Sometimes I wish she could understand but how can she when I myself don’t fully understand me. She assumes that every outburst is a psychological or emotional problem and wants to run to the nearest therapist assuming a strangers diagnosis will put my mind at ease. I’m afraid because I myself don’t know what’s wrong with me I wish I knew the answer to this age old question, who am I? sometimes I am overwhelmed with pain and anguish, other times I am determined and full of life. But the outcome is usually the same my fire is put out and nothing gets done. I’m like and architect with the blueprint of his greatest masterpiece but doesn’t know where to start, or better yet cant find the will to start. I’m an enigma to myself and that truly frightens me. Just when I think I’ve figured this person out who is supposed to be me there is always a drastic change a surprise lurking in the dark. I know I am no depressed evil creature I’m a human being with feelings and thoughts, to many thoughts at that, I am intelligent but naïve. Everyone assumes that this like many other things will pass but I just don’t know anymore I just cant see the end of this nightmare. My life is like a beautiful nightmare filled with wonder and illusion but beneath the morbid beauty lurks a darkness that threatens to overcome me. it’s a battle that I fear I might lose but I cannot. All I know is that I feel empty and lonely filled with thoughts that I wish I understood or better yet I wish others understood. I wish I was simple in the mind and could go about my everyday life as carelessly as everyone else, but sadly enough I cannot. I try and do what others do, but it is quite impossible, I want there to be more to life then just the ordinary I want to do and be more. I want to find others that understand this mind of mine. Others who can say its normal dear, I don’t want to be one of the many. I want to find the answer to myself and find the light at the end of this exquisite tunnel. I want to let go of this grueling pain. Maybe if I was simple in the mind everything would be fine. This sadness is unbearable, it’s as if there was an infinite hole in my chest, I just can’t explain how the absence of someone so insignificant at a time and now so important and dear to me kills me every second of the day. But I know he is better off without me. I need the strength and will power to go on I just don’t know where to find it.